Tom & Lisa

How to Stay EVEN KEELED When Triggered or Emotionally HURT | Tom and Lisa Bilyeu

In a healthy loving relationship, neither partner is looking for ways to hurt their partner’s feelings. On a long enough time line, however, hurting each other’s feelings or accidentally pushing each other’s trigger points is bound to happen. It doesn’t mean there’s any love lost, but it doesn’t mean that work needs to be done to diffuse the situation, resolve the issue, and reconnect. Tom and Lisa have come up with a few ways of handling these rare moments for when sh*t hits the fan, tempers flare and feelings are hurt. Their tips will help you stay even-keeled and minimize any relationship damage by sharing tactics for you to put into place long before the next argument happens. The key is not pretending or fooling yourselves into thinking, “that’ll never happen”. The key is to be prepared and have these conversations while you’re emotionally sober.


Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.




Diffusing the Situation | Lisa shares tactics for diffusing an argument before it starts [1:31]

Time & Space | Lisa shares why having space to calm down is so impactful and effective [3:16]

Changing Neurochemistry | Tom on why doing something else changes neurochemistry [4:26]

Pressing Doesn’t Work | Tom’s on why can’t convince someone not to feel upset [5:20]

Groundwork Needed | Why establishing “rules” when you’re connected is needed [6:42]

Biological Experience | Tom on why you can decide to feel differently in arguments [10:22]

Dangerous Conversations | How conflicts of values lead to dangerous conversations [13:02]

Pattern Interrupt | Lisa demonstrates how easy it is to pattern interrupt your anger [14:19]

Shifting Moods | Tom on how to help your partner and yourself into better mood [16:02]

Trigger Language | Lisa on why you should know each other’s triggers and respect them [18:46]




If you have to guess what the other person’s triggers are, it’s literally like stabbing in the frickin ‘dark. It’s like a love language, figure out what your love language is in regards to what are your triggers?” Lisa Bilyeu [2:45]


“It is always better to walk away because we just don’t hear each other, and many times, we’ve got into arguments because neither of us walked away.” Lisa Bilyeu [3:43]


“When the other person has been triggered, you have to do something that changes their neuro chemistry.” Tom Bilyeu [5:15]


“The key for when you’re being triggered, or you’re triggering the other person is to make sure that you build that foundation in the nice loving moments so that you’re not having the friction when it actually happens,” Lisa Bilyeu [10:06]


“You can decide to feel differently, and that nature, for whatever weird reason, has given us what I call physiological hooks to change your state.” Tom Bilyeu [10:52]


“When you’re in an argument, and you both believe that you’re right, it’s going to be a contentious conversation, and it’s what we call a dangerous conversation because it could go awry” Tom Bilyeu [13:02]


“When the other person is upset, whatever you do better be designed to change their neuro chemistry. Because if you can’t do that the conflict is going to just keep going up” Tom Bilyeu [16:06]


“If your goal is high level communication, that’s very effective, and you’re not getting annoyed, and you guys can both navigate that decision making tree to get to a decision that works for both of you, it isn’t useful to be triggered.” Tom Bilyeu [23:31]


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